I didn't run.
I wish I could tell a funny story, a tragic thing, but nope. Sunday while all of my friends were lining up to make the trek down Broad Street, I was sitting on my coach watching an episode of Law & Order (a lady with great looking locs "did it").
There is a part of me so ashamed and embarrassed. I publicly declared my intent to run, started training and I let well, I let me get in my own way. I employed the usual bag of tricks: I stopped training, "forgot" my track stuff, just didn't have time (or didn't make time). Heck, I even forgot the hours of the Expo and didn't make it down to pick up my race package. Every excuse in the book and here I am still not any closer to getting my butt off of the couch.
There is also a part of me that feels kind of relived. I wasn't anywhere near ready to run, wog or walk and now that it's over I feel a huge weight released. I don't want to waste money but I don't want to go through that anxiety again.
Squeezing into my clothes each day, looking at the me on camera and feeling out of breath during my regular work day I know that there is something I need to do. I could certainly write a book about what I want to do. Doing it? It's so much easier to chill on a couch and eat a bag of something than to actually hit the track.
Watching The Bee train for track I realize what a mixed bag of messages I must be sending to her. I encourage her to train when she's "not feeling like it", to try the new events when she thinks it's "not for her" and to listen to her coach about the foods she eats. I talk to her about track and her running and she, in that sweet way she has, always tells me to do what I can and that maybe this week is not my week.
I love her so much! (even when she is driving me nuts with being a hormonal pretween)
I avoided Facebook and Twitter most of the day after the race. I knew that my friends would post all of their happy news and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. I called Effin Guy so that I could whine and have a pity party (because really, who wants to have a pity party alone?) and he listened and told me to remember the feeling I was having so that the next time I would know how I didn't want to feel.
So catch me out there getting my huff on Memorial Day. I am a celebrity walker (tee hee) and plan to get up and at 'er.
So I won't have to feel the way I did yesterday.
PS: I was also feeling some type of way because the race day swag looked pretty awesome. Yes. I went there.